Hawkin’ It: Week 4
Sorry for posting this a little later than normal. The lack of upcoming football games coupled with writer’s block made this one take a little longer than usual. So don’t expect a lot from me in the football department (which is only a real department if you’re at Big 5).
Super Bowl
Super Bowl XLV (that would be 45 for the non-Romans out there) will feature the Green Bay Packers against the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Dallas Cowboys’ colossal new stadium. Of the previous Super Bowls, Pittsburgh has won a total of VI (6) and Green Bay has won III (3). These are two of the most successful franchises in the history of the NFL, and the MMXI (2011) Championship promises to be a great one.
The two teams are similar in that they have strong defenses led by players with great hair, reliable quarterbacks, suspect running games, and big time receivers. They also revealed some weaknesses in the conference championship games, when both came out of the gates strong to score on their opening drives, then coasted the rest of the way and let their opponents creep back into the game. Green Bay came out of half time up 14-0, with the Bears third-string QB in the game, and their offense got outscored 14-0 in the second half. They’re season was only salvaged by a pick six from defensive lineman BJ Raji, the first TD and first interception of his career. The Pittsburgh game was similar; the Stealers offense took a 17-0 lead, and then failed to score the rest of the way and Big Ben even fumbled in their end zone for a safety to make matters worse. Luckily, their defense caused Mark Sanchez to fumble and scooped the ball up for a score otherwise the 24-19 victory over the Jets might have ended differently.
It will definitely be interesting to see how the two coaches, Mike McCarthy and Mike Tomlin, plan for the Super Bowl matchup. Both came up with new offensive schemes that fooled their opponents in the first half of the conference championship round, but then looked unreliable in the second half. Being able to play a strong game from start to finish will definitely be crucial in Dallas.
The Stealers also have issues at offensive line; most of their starters are injured. Whether they can heal before February 6th will indicate how effective Pittsburgh’s offense will be. Therefore, I’ll be saving my Super Bowl Predictions for next week. It should be a thriller.
Can You Repeat That?
On Thursday night I went to see my roommate Chris in his play “Fatigued.” It was a double feature, two short pieces performed by three person crews, both about soldiers returned home from war in the Middle East. Chris’ performance was spectacular and his play was very enjoyable, but the conversation afterwards amongst those of us present revolved around the horrible accent that the woman in the first performance attempted to use. To describe just how outlandish it was cannot be achieved; the group of trained actors and actresses I was with could not even recreate it. The actress was a Caucasian in her late twenties with red-dyed hair who tried to pull off an accent that can only be described as an Ebonics/southern hybrid, which was perplexing on its own, but didn’t make any sense for a play set in New York. The cherry on top was that this actress was named Juanita, which brought up a whole slew of questions, including: Was this a stage name? What was her actual voice like? Is LA really so deprived of African American actresses that Juanita could be completely cast against type? Was the director blind? Or deaf?
But the most interesting question this performance introduced was: What are the worst accents in film history? Here are the actors/performances I picked for my top five list.
5) Alec Baldwin in The Departed: Boston accents sound ridiculous when their done well, so a bad one sounds completely reh-tahd-ed. Thankfully, Jack Nicholson decided to forego an attempt and just spoke in his regular voice, which is almost as insane.
4) Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat: Ok, this one is intentionally bad. But the fact that so many American saps bought it makes it list worthy. Plus any time a character becomes as quotable as the bumbling Kazakh journalist, the accent must be enshrined amongst the worst.
3) Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins: His British accent is laughably over the top, but is so well recognized that it has actually become accepted as a legitimate impression of our neighbors across the pond. Next time someone says “Ello Govenah,” you can thank the Chim Chim Cher-ee chimney sweep.
2) Carlo Rota as Don "Papa" Joe Yakavetta in Boondock Saints: I probably could have chosen anyone from this movie, but Rota’s accent was the worst. This mafia leader makes me crack up every time he speaks, in particular when he shouts out “You insignificant little f***!”; except he pronounces it “in-seeg-nif-ee-CONT,” while somehow stressing each syllable.
1) Benicio del Toro in The Usual Suspects: This is a fantastic movie with a great ending, but I believe it is Benicio’s performance that allows for multiple views. Sometimes it’s so difficult to understand what he is saying that I assume he must just be mumbling. Here is a link for reference (del Toro is the third man in the lineup):
So those are my top five, though I would like to make an honorary mention to Brad Pitt, who somehow manages to pull off a new, horrendous accent in each film he makes.
Random Thoughts: Driving in LA Continued
Last week I discussed the dual nature of Los Angeles freeways, how you’re always driving either 80 or 0 MPH. Well that’s just the beginning of the chaos. Each time I get trapped in gridlock, and I’m rocking out to the radio, a motorcycle will zip by me and I nearly crap myself. In the great state of California, motorcycles are allowed to drive on the arterial lines in between the lanes, which is startling every time it happens. I always imagine drifting a bit toward the paint, having the biker swerve away from my car, crash into another one, get thrown from his motorcycle, and lay lifeless on the interstate in a bloody, gruesome mess. But even with the possibility of a horrific accident, squeezing in between moving vehicles still seems more appealing than sitting in traffic.
Another terrible aspect of LA driving is how utterly confusing it is. In Seattle, the I-5 takes you just about everywhere you could want to go, but in LA you need to take about a dozen highways to get anywhere. For example, to get from my apartment to Maryann’s house, a twenty minute drive without traffic, I must take the 170 to the 134 to the 2 to the 210. Yes, that is four different highways. If you don’t own a GPS, you always have to print out directions or risk getting lost and carjacked in the ghetto. And even that isn’t enough at times, as the highways will suddenly change without reason. During my first week here, I couldn’t figure out how I kept getting lost, until I realized that the 210 East was inexplicably turning into the 134 East and I actually had to exit the 210 to stay on it. If that is confusing, then welcome to LA.
You made me laugh out loud with your motorcycle comment.
ReplyDeleteAnother good read, son, (except for all that pesky football stuff... I did like the supurfluous Roman numerals in the first paragraph.)
I loved this! The LA freeway system is definitely ridiculous but don't forget LA is huge and spread out compared to most cities, so what can you expect?
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for the super bowl!