Hawkin' It 4: Super Bowl/Bad Accents/Driving in LA (cont.)

Hawkin’ It: Week 4

Sorry for posting this a little later than normal. The lack of upcoming football games coupled with writer’s block made this one take a little longer than usual. So don’t expect a lot from me in the football department (which is only a real department if you’re at Big 5).

Super Bowl

Super Bowl XLV (that would be 45 for the non-Romans out there) will feature the Green Bay Packers against the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Dallas Cowboys’ colossal new stadium. Of the previous Super Bowls, Pittsburgh has won a total of VI (6) and Green Bay has won III (3). These are two of the most successful franchises in the history of the NFL, and the MMXI (2011) Championship promises to be a great one.

The two teams are similar in that they have strong defenses led by players with great hair, reliable quarterbacks, suspect running games, and big time receivers. They also revealed some weaknesses in the conference championship games, when both came out of the gates strong to score on their opening drives, then coasted the rest of the way and let their opponents creep back into the game. Green Bay came out of half time up 14-0, with the Bears third-string QB in the game, and their offense got outscored 14-0 in the second half. They’re season was only salvaged by a pick six from defensive lineman BJ Raji, the first TD and first interception of his career. The Pittsburgh game was similar; the Stealers offense took a 17-0 lead, and then failed to score the rest of the way and Big Ben even fumbled in their end zone for a safety to make matters worse. Luckily, their defense caused Mark Sanchez to fumble and scooped the ball up for a score otherwise the 24-19 victory over the Jets might have ended differently.

It will definitely be interesting to see how the two coaches, Mike McCarthy and Mike Tomlin, plan for the Super Bowl matchup. Both came up with new offensive schemes that fooled their opponents in the first half of the conference championship round, but then looked unreliable in the second half. Being able to play a strong game from start to finish will definitely be crucial in Dallas.

The Stealers also have issues at offensive line; most of their starters are injured. Whether they can heal before February 6^th will indicate how effective Pittsburgh’s offense will be. Therefore, I’ll be saving my Super Bowl Predictions for next week. It should be a thriller.

Can You Repeat That?

On Thursday night I went to see my roommate Chris in his play “Fatigued.” It was a double feature, two short pieces performed by three person crews, both about soldiers returned home from war in the Middle East. Chris’ performance was spectacular and his play was very enjoyable, but the conversation afterwards amongst those of us present revolved around the horrible accent that the woman in the first performance attempted to use. To describe just how outlandish it was cannot be achieved; the group of trained actors and actresses I was with could not even recreate it. The actress was a Caucasian in her late twenties with red-dyed hair who tried to pull off an accent that can only be described as an Ebonics/southern hybrid, which was perplexing on its own, but didn’t make any sense for a play set in New York. The cherry on top was that this actress was named Juanita, which brought up a whole slew of questions, including: Was this a stage name? What was her actual voice like? Is LA really so deprived of African American actresses that Juanita could be completely cast against type? Was the director blind? Or deaf?

But the most interesting question this performance introduced was: What are the worst accents in film history? Here are the actors/performances I picked for my top five list.

5) Alec Baldwin in The Departed: Boston accents sound ridiculous when their done well, so a bad one sounds completely reh-tahd-ed. Thankfully, Jack Nicholson decided to forego an attempt and just spoke in his regular voice, which is almost as insane.

4) Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat: Ok, this one is intentionally bad. But the fact that so many American saps bought it makes it list worthy. Plus any time a character becomes as quotable as the bumbling Kazakh journalist, the accent must be enshrined amongst the worst.

3) Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins: His British accent is laughably over the top, but is so well recognized that it has actually become accepted as a legitimate impression of our neighbors across the pond. Next time someone says “Ello Govenah,” you can thank the Chim Chim Cher-ee chimney sweep.

2) Carlo Rota as Don "Papa" Joe Yakavetta in Boondock Saints: I probably could have chosen anyone from this movie, but Rota’s accent was the worst. This mafia leader makes me crack up every time he speaks, in particular when he shouts out “You insignificant little f***!”; except he pronounces it “in-seeg-nif-ee-CONT,” while somehow stressing each syllable.

1) Benicio del Toro in The Usual Suspects: This is a fantastic movie with a great ending, but I believe it is Benicio’s performance that allows for multiple views. Sometimes it’s so difficult to understand what he is saying that I assume he must just be mumbling. Here is a link for reference (del Toro is the third man in the lineup):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-f8hwafsIU

So those are my top five, though I would like to make an honorary mention to Brad Pitt, who somehow manages to pull off a new, horrendous accent in each film he makes.

Random Thoughts: Driving in LA Continued

Last week I discussed the dual nature of Los Angeles freeways, how you’re always driving either 80 or 0 MPH. Well that’s just the beginning of the chaos.  Each time I get trapped in gridlock, and I’m rocking out to the radio, a motorcycle will zip by me and I nearly crap myself. In the great state of California, motorcycles are allowed to drive on the arterial lines in between the lanes, which is startling every time it happens. I always imagine drifting a bit toward the paint, having the biker swerve away from my car, crash into another one, get thrown from his motorcycle, and lay lifeless on the interstate in a bloody, gruesome mess. But even with the possibility of a horrific accident, squeezing in between moving vehicles still seems more appealing than sitting in traffic.

Another terrible aspect of LA driving is how utterly confusing it is. In Seattle, the I-5 takes you just about everywhere you could want to go, but in LA you need to take about a dozen highways to get anywhere. For example, to get from my apartment to Maryann’s house, a twenty minute drive without traffic, I must take the 170 to the 134 to the 2 to the 210. Yes, that is four different highways. If you don’t own a GPS, you always have to print out directions or risk getting lost and carjacked in the ghetto. And even that isn’t enough at times, as the highways will suddenly change without reason. During my first week here, I couldn’t figure out how I kept getting lost, until I realized that the 210 East was inexplicably turning into the 134 East and I actually had to exit the 210 to stay on it. If that is confusing, then welcome to LA.

Hawkin' It Week 3: Seahawks Recap/Playoffs/Student Athletes

Seahawks Recap

Welcome to week three of my blog, though unfortunately this trilogy doesn’t have a triumphant ending for our heroes. Sadly, the Seattle Seahawks will be watching the rest of the playoffs on their enormous flat screens from the comfort of their couches. The game in Chicago was an absolute train wreck, only slightly salvaged by some touchdowns in garbage time when the game was already decided. There are a lot of possible explanations as to why the Hawks choked worse than David Carradine; big drops from wide receivers, inability to cover Bears’ tight end Greg Olsen, or having to play from behind never allowing Seattle to develop a consistent rhythm in the run game. Three particular plays in the first half stood out to me as momentum shifting in favor of the Bears:

1)      John Carlson landing on his head and getting a concussion on the Hawks’ first drive. Carlson was instrumental to the victory over the Saints, catching two TDs. The backup tight end, Cameron Morrah, would drop a pass shortly after coming into the game. This play was also psychologically devastating; having to wait around for Carlson to be strapped to a gurney and carted off the field was surely disheartening and traumatic for the rest of the team.

2)      Punting on fourth and one from the Bears’ 41 yard line. Seattle was in Chicago territory, losing 7-0 on the road, a short conversion away from keeping the drive alive, close to field goal range, and they choose to punt. “Pistol” Pete Carroll was known for taking risks at USC, but this sort of timid play calling sent the Hawks home as losers. He also decided to kick a field goal down 28-0, rather than try for a TD. This was most likely to prevent a shutout, not to try to win the game.

3)      Jordan Babineaux dropping an interception at the goal line. This was the Hawks’ biggest miscue of the game. The Bears were on Seattle’s one yard line already leading by a touchdown and threatening to score when emo kid Jay Cutler errantly threw the ball right at Babineaux, who was so shocked he couldn’t catch the pass. Chicago scored on this drive to go up 14-0 and Seattle was out of the game. If Babs hangs on, the Hawks go on offense only down seven and all momentum is swung towards them.

Overall, the Seahawks were outmatched by the superior Bears, who move onto the NFC Championship game against the Packers. The Hawks did score some points in the fourth quarter when Chicago was already planning its post-game celebration, making the final score a more respectable 35-24. So even though he lost to move to 5-6, Matt Hasselbeck was able to pad his postseason numbers with an excellent statistical game of 258 yards/3 TDs/0 INTs/94.3 rating. And Seattle has the distinction of being the first and only team to finish a season with an 8-10 record.  But this is overshadowed by the horrific loss and brutal injuries to Carlson and DB Marcus Trufant.

Headed into next season, the Seahawks have one HUGE advantage in their favor: they play in the squalors of the NFC West, where any team can emerge victorious. Carroll already overachieved his first season by bringing Seattle back to the playoffs and winning one playoff game when the team was supposed to be in rebuilding mode. They do have a few issues to address during the offseason, including solidifying their shaky offensive line, determining if Marshawn Lynch is the answer at running back, and finding some players to strengthen a defensive backfield that gave up too many big plays. They also need to hire a new offensive coordinator to replace the fired Jeremy Bates (for about 24 hours I was terrified that Pistol would choose Denver Broncos castoff Josh McDaniels, thankfully he signed with the Rams). The Seahawks return in the fall with high hopes and confidence from a successful season.

Random Thoughts: Student Athletes

In this year’s Orange Bowl, the Stanford Cardinal beat the Virginia Tech Hokies. This matchup is significant because of these institutions’ outstanding graduation rates for their football players: Stanford at 86 percent and Virginia Tech at 79 percent. Very few college athletes go pro, so those that take advantage of a free education will be better prepared to earn a living after their athletic opportunities have expired. The NCAA sets academic standards that collegiate athletes must maintain in order to be eligible to play for their teams. For many athletes, this minimum requirement is the goal, not graduating with a degree. I won’t judge someone who just wants to play football or basketball, especially a young man who has been the best at his sport his whole life prior and cannot accept the fact that college is as far as their athletic talents will take them. It’s difficult to recognize at the time how important an education will become when previously the only thing that mattered was how fast you ran, how many three pointers you could hit, or how good you were at pass blocking. I would speculate that some colleges and coaches do not put great enough emphasis pointing out to most of their young players that they won’t become professionals, so they should take advantage of their free education, because if they don’t complete their degrees it will cost thousands of dollars to do so later. My guess is that many coaches convince recruits to attend their universities by selling them on the dream of going pro and making millions. Telling them otherwise would hurt the chances of convincing athletes to join the team. A combination of naivety and over optimism combines to lead these athletes astray.

That being said, I’m tired when sports analysts, column writers, ESPN reporters and others in the media use the same tired line of reasoning when athletes fail to make grades; “they’re student athletes, the “student” comes before the “athlete” because that’s the most important part.” No. Just no. First of all, the “student” comes before the “athlete” because semantics dictates that it is said that way, not because one is more important than the other. Whoever coined the phrase selected the order of the words (which most likely should have been student-athlete or student/athlete because student isn’t an adjective, much like someone isn’t labeled a student musician) and thus engrained the term into the public’s mind. This ordering of words to familiarize a subject is common in the English language, for example “peanut butter and jelly sandwich”; “rock, paper, scissors”; “Simon and Garfunkel.” To reverse the orders would sound weird to the ear; “jelly and peanut butter sandwich,” “scissors, rock, paper,” “Garfunkel and Simon.” The specific arrangements of words come to distinguish them as a single unit, rather than one a collection of items. They may as well be read as a peanutbutterandjellysandwhich, a game of rockpaperscissors, and the band SimonandGarfunkel, because the mind conceives them this way. So the phrase “student athlete” only makes sense because we have been trained to believe it does through repetition, not because it is any better than “athlete student.”

Furthermore, I would argue that having student first almost acts in the opposite manner than those media folks would have you believe, instead emphasizing the fact that they are athletes by turning the word “student” into a pseudo-adjective. If I were to inform you that a polar bear was charging towards you and you turned around only to find a brown bear in full sprint, jaws open, drool dribbling out, would you lecture me about the differences between a polar and brown bear or would you turn and run, because some bear, regardless of breed, was attacking you? You’d run, and be thankful I had only messed up the adjective rather than the noun, like declaring a brown bunny was trying to eat you. The student athlete works the same; the important part that distinguishes them from other athletes is that they’re also students, rather than the thing that separates them from other students is they also happen to be athletes.  They should really be labeled as “athletic students,” but that doesn’t really differentiate them from other students that happen to be athletic, but don’t have a scholarship or play for a school team. This is why they should be denoted as studentathletes, or at least student-athletes or student/athletes, identifying the phrase as a label and not a rank of responsibilities.

The second, and more fundamentally important, reason that the media should not use the “they’re student athletes, the “student” comes before the “athlete” because that’s the most important part” argument is that the student part is not the most important aspect of these people’s lives, though maybe it should be. If they got recruited because of musical talent, would you say that homework was more important than practicing the violin? And honestly how would you feel if a receiver dropped a sure touchdown because he was tired from studying all night for a history exam? I understand some sort of balance must be made between athletics and academics, but most colleges do not foster this idea, turning athletes into superstars, gods even, by using their names and pictures to promote the sporting events and thereby the university itself. In a setting where everybody knew who you were because of a skill in one area, would you care about anything else? No, you’d try to get even better in that one area. Don’t get me wrong, it is very unfortunate, but don’t blame the kid for underachieving in a system that promotes the opposite. If more schools followed the lead of Stanford and Virginia Tech and placed more emphasis on education, we would have better graduation rates and I wouldn’t have to hear moronic analysts deliver speeches on “being a student first,” while they criticize other players performances on the field.

Playoffs: NFC and AFC Championships

Green Bay over Chicago: I’ve been watching the Packers the past few weeks and despite only being the six seed, they’ve been playing like best team in the NFC, if not the whole NFL. QB Aaron Rodgers is playing out of his mind, absolutely decimating a Falcons team that only lost three games all year by a final of 48-21. In two playoff games they have the NFL’s top rusher in James Starks (189 yards), outstanding linebacker Clay Matthews has three sacks, and Tramon Williams has three interceptions at crucial spots. The Bears’ best advantage is that the game will be played at home in Chicago, likely in weather conditions similar to those the Hawks saw last week. Chicago’s defenseless is ferocious, but so is the Packers’. Green Bay’s offense is superior and should not have much trouble leading the Pack to the Super Bowl.

Pittsburg over New York Jets: This is a matchup between two of the league’s best defenses. Pittsburg and New York rank 2^nd and 3^rd in yards allowed and rank 1^st and 6^th in points/ game allowed, respectively. They both have battle-tested QBs with post season experience; Mark Sanchez is 4-1 and Ben Rapelisberger is 9-2 with two Super Bowl wins. Last week, the Jets knocked out Super Bowl favorites New England and Pittsburg defeated Baltimore in a tight game. This is guaranteed to be a low-scoring, close game. Watch for a big play on defense to determine the outcome of this game, either an interception returned for a touchdown or a crushing blow to a QB causing a fumble. In the end, I think the home crowd will help Pittsburg win and Big Ben will take out another victim.

Bonus Random Thoughts: LA Traffic

Driving in Los Angeles can be the most liberating experience, or the most frustrating. It seems I’m either going 80 or 0, with no in between. When traffic is bad, I sit in my car inching along about ten feet per minute, banging my head on the steering wheel in rhythm with the crappy Mexican song blaring on the radio. Sometimes I actually hope there has been a horrible car accident and rubber-neckers are slowly cruising by before zipping along with open road ahead, just so there is a chance that I will be on the freeway for a slightly reduced amount of time. Yes, I’d put someone else’s safety behind my own impatience. I’m a monster, but a week in this city would make any person change their opinion.

The upside of the painful traffic jams is that clear highways are cause for everyone to fly down the road like Superman trying to catch a falling Lois Lane. You may as well be on the Autobahn. Most of the time, the speed limit is 65 (a glorious number FYI), but if you drive that slowly with no traffic, you’ll get passed by like a twenty-year-old in a pedophile’s neighborhood. Everyone knows that you’re approximately three minutes from rush hour at any given point of the day, so you drive like a pregnant girl is giving birth in your back seat. In Seattle you have to be afraid of cops when you speed because all they have to do is post up somewhere on I-5 and they’re bound to catch someone, but in LA there are so many different freeways that it’s impossible to watch them all. And even if they could, the LAPD are so busy protecting the ridiculously rich and harassing the pathetically poor that they have no time to write insignificant tickets. What’s more important, punishing someone trying to make a meeting or arresting a gang-banger selling crack? (On an interesting note, a few days ago Seattle Mariners outfielder Milton Bradley was arrested for making threats against a woman less than three miles from where I live.) Even if the cops did want to pull someone over, most of the interstates I’ve seen are too thin to allow this. Why would city planners create a shoulder when they could squeeze in another lane? That doesn’t make any sense. Whether I am in tortoise or hare mode, at least I can take solace that it is over seventy degrees and beautiful and the rest of the country is freezing or raining.

That’s it for this week. Next time, Super Bowl analysis!

Week 2 Playoffs/Matt Hasselbeck’s playoff career/QB Doppelgangers

Welcome to the second edition of my weekly blog, and thanks to a TD run that literally shook the earth, we will once again be discussing the Seahawks’ playoff scenario. This week the Hawks play the Bears in Chicago, where they won a week six game by the score of 23-20. The Bears allow the fifth least points/game (17.9) and their offense ranks 21^st with 20.9 points/game (Seahawks score 19.4). One favorable matchup is the Hawks’ secondary (27^th ranked) versus Chicago’s passing game, which averages 188.4 yards/game (ranked 28^th). Last week, New Orleans’ QB Drew Brees torched the Seahawks Secondary for 404 yards, 2 TDs, and 0 INTs. Bears QB Jake Cutler, playing in his first postseason game in college or the pros, is not even close to Brees’ level. The Hawks D has struggled against the pass all year, but hopefully they will be able to control Cutler and top receiver Johnny Knox, who scored 5 TDs and caught 17 passes over twenty yards. The biggest threat on da Beeeears is RB Matt Forte, a dual threat who totaled 1069 yards and six TDs rushing and 547 yards and 3 TDs receiving. Forte changes the dynamics of this game from last week, when New Orleans was without their top two running backs, because it forces Seattle’s defense to stay balanced, devoting as much effort to the running game as the passing attack. The Hawks’ defense isn’t great, but neither is the Bears’ offense. Much worse is the matchup of the Seattle’s offense versus the Chicago’s tough defense, led by linebackers Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs and DE Julius Peppers. Briggs was injured for the first matchup, while Urlacher and Peppers had a limited contribution with just eight tackles and zero sacks between them. Expect those three to have a much bigger impact this time around. The Seahawks’ offensive line is banged up but was terrific in protecting Matt Hasselbeck and providing running lanes for Marshawn Lynch and Justin Forsett against the Saints. They did such an outstanding job that Hasselbeck threw for 272 yards, 4 TDs, and 1 INTs. Matt is clearly the leader of the Seahawks; without him they seem timid and uninspired. Protecting him as they did in the previous meeting should be top priority.

Matt Hasselbeck: Playoff Superstud

Matt’s performance was so spectacular that it got me wondering how Hasselbeck’s career playoff numbers compared with other NFL QBs. His career postseason record is 5-5 with YARDS/TDS/INTS/QB RATING of 2,483/15/9/85.0 in ten playoff games. Those are pretty good stats, so I decided to compare them to his contemporaries. 

The first I checked was Peyton Manning, who was drafted in the same year, 1998, with the first overall selection, while Matt was picked 187^th. Peyton is considered one of the best quarterbacks of all time and may retire with all of the top career records but his playoff record is less than stellar. He is 9-10 all-time, having led the Colts to the playoffs in 11 out of 13 seasons with 5389/29/19/88.6 stats. That averages to 283.6 yards/game with a touchdown to interception rate of 1.53:1, while Hasselbeck averages 248.3 yards/game and has a TD:INT ratio of 1.67:1. Manning averages more yards and has a 1-1 record in the Super Bowl, but Hasselbeck has a better TD to turnover ratio and better overall win percentage in the playoffs.

Donovan McNabb, the Eagles/Redskins QB picked second overall in the 1999 draft, has a 9-7 playoff record and like Hasselbeck is 0-1 in the Super Bowl. But his playoff stats are worse than Matt’s, averaging 234.5 yards/game and a 1.41:1 TD to INT ratio.

Brett Favre is 13-11 in his 24 playoff games and 1-1 in the Super Bowl. His playoff numbers are 5855/44/30/90.7 but he averages 244.0 yards/game and his ratio is 1.47:1, worse than Matt.

I checked a former legend’s numbers, Dan Marino, who has also lost the only Super Bowl he’s ever played in (1984). Marino is 8-10 in the playoffs, with 250.6 yards/game and 1.33:1 ratio, numbers similar but inferior to Hasselbeck.

Finally, I checked Tom Brady, more out of curiosity than expecting favorable results. Pretty-boy Brady is similar to Hasselbeck in that he was a very late draft pick, taken 199^th overall in the 2000 draft. But his playoff record is outstanding, even unheard of. He is 14-4(!!!) in the playoffs and 3-1 in the Super Bowl (would be 4-0 if not for a miraculous catch by David Tyree, a player who is no longer in the league and retired with just 54 receptions). Brady averages 228.2 yards/game and has a 2.07:1 ratio in the playoffs.

Hasselbeck stacks up against the greatest when it gets to crunch time, though he hasn’t started as many games and hasn’t won a Super Bowl yet. He doesn’t have too many years left, but hopefully the Hawks will make a few more postseasons and his stats can continue to improve, starting Sunday. Either way, he’ll be considered one of the best QBs Seattle has ever had.

Random Thoughts: Insurance Commercials

Has anyone else noticed that The General from those online car insurance advertisements sounds exactly like Mr. Krabs from Sponge Bob Square Pants? And how low do you have to get to buy car insurance from him?  

Television has become oversaturated with insurance commercials and, probably due to GEICO, they are typically attention-grabbing and cheesy. Progressive is represented by Flo, State Farm has the Tom Cruise look-alike, All State has President David Palmer, esurance uses the cartoon spies and “the saver,” Farmers Insurance uses Juno’s dad, and GEICO is just sloppy, inventing a new advertisement character every other month or so; including the cavemen, the gecko, the “do woodchucks chuck wood?” guy, the googly-eyed money stack, and the commercials made in fifteen minutes. This is off the top of my head and maybe it just proves I watch too much TV.

Why do so many different insurance companies need to sink so much money into  marketing campaigns aimed at convincing consumers to switch services in order to save money? It would seem rational to assume that the companies could save the consumer even more money if they put their commercial money back towards the customers they already have. Insurance is especially interesting because the person purchasing it doesn’t actually get anything; he or she is just assured in case something does go wrong that they will get it money to fix it. In such terrible economic times, Americans are trying to save money wherever they can and the insurance companies are preying on those individuals’ desperation. It would be more financially beneficial to combine all of these companies, cut the marketing department and spread the savings to the consumers. Call it optimistic, but I’d like to believe for once the average person could be considered over the bottom line.

QB/TV Doppelgangers

Last week I said Matt Hasselbeck was Sex and the City. Now for a few more quarterbacks:

Peyton Manning=South Park: Both are hilarious and consistently spectacular.

Drew Brees=Friends: He has plenty of talent, is an amazing leader, has outstanding teammates, but is also great because of the amount of heart he plays with. Friends had a great cast, good writing, but what made it the best was its heart.

Carson Palmer=Entourage: Good in the first couple of years (Pro Bowls/Emmys) then just limped along without purpose in recent years.

Michael Vick=Family Guy: Was good, forced off the air/imprisoned, came back even better. Except in Vick’s version Brian is being starved, beaten, forced to fight in a gruesome battle, and then killed.

Mark Sanchez=Hawaii Five-0: Decent QB/show; each had mild success; neither has any chance of working in cold weather (Sanchez has 3 TDs/8 INTs with a QB rating of 59.6 in games under 40 degrees).

Tom Brady=Seinfeld: Both are top of their class; win awards; but you are always conscious that there are geniuses working behind the scenes (Bill Belichick/Larry David).

Brett Favre=The Simpsons: Had some good early seasons, but now just won’t go away.

Playoff Predictions:

Seattle over Chicago: Last week I incorrectly picked New Orleans to beat Seattle (the only matchup I missed). Honestly, I didn’t expect the Seahawks to get a second game, but I couldn’t be happier. Chicago isn’t as good offensively as New Orleans, though their defense is much better. Vegas odds makers have declared the Hawks as ten point underdogs for the second week in a row and, unlike last week, they don’t have the home Qwest fans or the “nobody-expects-us-to-win-but-we’ll-show-them” mentality going in their favor. But they have beaten the Bears already and this matchup is a lot better than most sports analysts are giving the Hawks credit for. Seattle’s offense is balanced, due mostly to a lack of true superstars outside of Hasselbeck. Mike Williams was the top receiver but the rest of the receivers have been targeted about the same amount of times. Likewise, both Lynch and Forsett have over 100 carries. This lack of focus works in the Seahawks’ favor as it makes it harder to take one aspect of their offense out of the game and Matt Hasselbeck is one of the best at distributing the ball. This will be a close game, but I have a gut feeling that the Seahawks will prevail, fueled once again by being immediately counted out of this game by the media. Plus, should the Packers upset the Falcons on Saturday, the Hawks would come into Soldier Field knowing that a win means a home game versus Green Bay with the Qwest crowd cheering them towards the Super Bowl, which will be further motivation. I think Jake Cutler will choke and the Seahawks will be just good enough to survive Chicago’s pounding defense and temperatures in the low twenties.

Green Bay over Atlanta: The Falcons have home-field advantage, but they play in the Georgia Dome which does not give them quite as much of an advantage as the Bears or Seahawks home stadiums do. It can get loud, and the fans can get wild, but the Packers don’t have to worry about extreme weather conditions. The matchup pits two of the league’s best QBs against each other, Aaron Rodgers of the Packers and Atlanta’s Matt Ryan aka Matty Ice (why is this not Hasselbeck’s nickname?! Best in the league). They are both solid, but Rodgers is unbelievable right now, ranking third in QB rating, sixth in TD passes, and seventh in yards, despite missing a whole game and most of another due to concussion. Green Bay’s defense beat up the Eagles last week and should put plenty of pressure on Ryan and clog up the running lanes for RB Michael Turner. The Packers are a bit banged up and the Falcons are coming off a bye week, but Green Bay is playing like the best team in the NFC right now.

New England over New York Jets: The easiest matchup to predict. The Jets beat the Patriots in New York in week two and since then New England has just gone 13-1, including dominating the Jets at Foxboro in week 13 by a score of 45-3, and became the overwhelming favorite to win the Super Bowl. Cali-boy Mark Sanchez has to lead the Jets in the cold Massachusetts weather (which I’ve already said is a problem for him) against pretty-boy Tom Brady, the almost certain MVP of the league. The Jets strongest aspect is their defense, which gives up the fifth fewest points per game (19.0), but a lot of the success is based on shut-down cornerback Darrelle Revis (kept Reggie Wayne to one catch for one yard last week) who completely takes a team’s best receiver out of the game. But the Pats don’t have a “best” receiver; instead they distribute the ball equally, including utilizing two young tight ends, Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski. The one weakness the Pats display is a 30^th ranked pass defense, which should be fine cause Sanchez is horrifically inaccurate passing and is more likely to be modeling board shorts than throwing a football in five years. Expect the New England to have a strong game and prove why they’re the Super Bowl favorite. Unless Brady decides having a supermodel wife, being named GQ man of the year, being spokesman for numerous advertisement campaigns including UGGs and Calvin Klein, and winning three Super Bowls is enough success for one lifetime and gives a half-ass performance, but that’s unlikely.

Pittsburg over Baltimore: This matchup has given me nightmares, literally. No really, I’ve woken up twice the last week and realized my dreams were two parts of my psyche arguing over who had the upper hand; whether home-field advantage is that big of a deal, if the Super-Bowl-Stealers’ safety/best player/over-fed chia pet Troy Polamalu is actually healthy, and if Raven’s QB Joe Flacco is an overrated pile whose success is due to an amazing defense. Even as of writing this, I’m still not convinced that Pittsburg is better. This will be a close defensive matchup; the Stealers give up the fewest points/game (14.5) while Baltimore ranks third (16.9). Both offenses rank in the middle of NFL teams in scoring and yards so that is a crapshoot. They are division rivals who have played each other twice this season, with each team winning one game, on the other’s home field, complicating matters further. Since 2003, the teams have played each other 17 times, with Pittsburg holding a slight advantage at 9-8 while each team has scored 302 points combined in those games. Needless to say, this is a matchup with much vitriol and you can be assured it will be the best game this weekend (we were spoiled last week with three great games and only one crappy one). I think the Stealers just barely squeak by because they’re at home, they’re a little better offensively, and QB Ben Roethlisberger treats playoff games like he treats a club; he picks out a goal, attacks it, and won’t stop until he is successful/arrested. Plus, the thought of a New England v. Pittsburg game with the winner going to the Super Bowl with Brady trying for his fourth ring and Rapelisberger his third seems too enticing.

That’s it for this week. Hopefully I will get to discuss another Seahawks matchup next week. I’ve just got one more plug to make before I end this. My current favorite song is “Pumped Up Kicks” by the LA band Foster The People. It sounds like a cheerful, upbeat, catchy song but the lyrics describe a young boy who gets ahold of his father’s gun and threatens the other kids. The result is rather chilling and is reminiscent of The Smashing Pumpkins’ hit “Tonight” whose music disguises Billy Corgan’s dark lyrics. Truly a deep song and I hope the band has much success in the future. Link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLK7hrRijes

Go Hawks!

NFL Playoffs & Matt Hasselbeck: "Sex and the City" of QBs

It’s officially playoff time and by some miracle of division gerrymandering the Seahawks are in!  I’ve started this blog to discuss my beloved Hawks, football, sports, and various general topics. But this week it’s all about the Seahawks.

For a single, straight man, Sex and the City holds absolutely no appeal (a show about shopping AND relationships!!!) so we content ourselves with watching Sports Center and South Park reruns.  But once you get into a relationship, you find the value of the Carrie Bradshaw quartet and their weekly hijinks because it is better than 99% of the shows your girlfriend would otherwise force you to watch. At the very least, it’s a scripted show with plot, character development and comedy, which puts it light years ahead of “reality” programs such as Keeping up with the Kardashians, Laguna Beach, Teen Mom,(no longer Jon and) Kate Plus Eight, or whatever other mindless nonsense MTV and E! are producing.  Matt Hasselbeck is Sex and the City. Realistically, you don’t want to see him under center, but would you honestly feel better with the alternatives? Seneca Wallace? Charlie Frye? Charlie Whitehurst?! Now don’t get me wrong, Whitehurst had an adequate game, AGAINST THE RAMS. He does provide pocket mobility and the ability to scramble, neither of which Glass-el-back does without every Seattle fan watching in horror with their fingers covering their eyes and hearing the announcers proclaim “well it looks like Matt has broken another rib.” But Charlie quarterbacked with caution, with only one big play (61 yard reception to Ruvell Martin- and yes I did have to look his name up), and often choose to run out of bounds or throw the ball away rather than risk an interception. Whitehurst is The Hills of the NFL: safe, predictable, and boring (even Lauren Conrad left her own show before the final season).  Matt Hasselbeck is the opposite: completely immobile but still daring, a playmaker, exciting, and a leader. Sometimes he has outstanding games (the four girls go to a fancy party and Samantha hooks up with a stranger/partial nudity!) and sometimes he throws four interceptions in a game (Carrie breaks up with Big… again).  Either way, he’s the man Seattle wants as its quarterback. Trust me on Matt and Sex and the City. Better than watching Whitehurst feebly trying not to blow it or finding yourself sucked into a Girls Next Door marathon.

New Orleans Saints vs Seattle Seahawks

Interesting storyline #1: Watching how Pete Carroll and Reggie Bush react during the post-game handshake. Which is more likely, Carroll will snarl at Bush and scream “I could have been coaching a real team if it wasn’t for you!” or will he simply laugh and say “How’s that Heisman trophy?” as he kisses his championship rings? Meanwhile, all of Los Angeles weeps because they lost their Heisman winner, their head coach bailed at the first sign of NCAA sanctions, the Trojans have another year where they can’t make a college bowl game, and they don’t have a NFL franchise despite being the second largest populous city in the United States.

As mentioned above, I believe the Seahawks have a better chance of beating the Saints with Hasselbeck at the helm than Whitehurst.  Matt had his best game this season in week 11 when the two teams previously met.  He threw for 366 yards, 1 TD, 0 INTs in the 34-19 loss. The Vegas line right now has the Seahawks as ten point underdogs and even that might not be enough. But don’t count the Hawks out completely. Here are three reasons that Seattle may have a shot.

1) Drew Brees is having a down year. Yes, most teams in the NFL, including the Seahawks, would love to have Brees at quarterback, but compared to last year’s Super Bowl winning season he’s looked pedestrian.  He’s thrown 22 interceptions this season, eleven more than last year, including a shovel pass directly to a defensive lineman in the Monday nighter that was returned for a touchdown. Even the Hawks managed two picks vs the Saints, impressive for a team with just twelve all year, ranked 25^th in the NFL. So if the defense can get a few turnovers, the outcome looks more positive.

2) The Saints have had trouble this season when they’ve travelled to the west coast. They barely beat the 49ers 25-22 and lost to the Cardinals 30-20, both teams that are worse than the Seahawks. And everyone in the Pacific Northwest knows what happens when Qwest Field gets rumbling for a big game.

3) Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory, the Saints top runners this season, are on injured reserve and won’t be active vs the Hawks. Bush is back after an injury prevented him from playing in the teams’ first matchup, but he’s a better receiving back than a runner. The other RB is Julius Jones; yeah, the same guy who the Seattle cut from its team after signing Marshawn Lynch. If the Hawks’ 27^th ranked pass defense can control the Saints receivers, then it will force them to run the ball which is not their strong suit.

Interesting Storyline #2: Hypothetically, if the Seahawks pull out the upset and the Packers defeat the Eagles, then Seattle would play the Chicago Bears at Soldier Field, the site where Seattle had its best road victory and was one of only two teams they beat that finished with a winning record. While we are playing the “what if” game, should the Seahawks repeat the magic in Chicago, and Green Bay beats the Falcons, the Seahawks would host ANOTHER home playoff game against the Packers. And if this crazy train keeps rolling, and the Hawks win the NFC title and beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, they would be an outstanding 11-9! Eleven victories! That would be less than Atlanta, New England, Pittsburg, and Baltimore and tied with Chicago, New Orleans, and NY Jets, BEFORE THOSE TEAMS HAVE EVEN PLAYED A SINGLE PLAYOFF GAME. With that in mind, my picks:

New Orleans over Seattle: I’m sorry, as much as I want the Seahawks to win and even with all the points I’ve outlined, I still can’t respectably pick them. The world champions are too strong and balanced, and while I don’t see them returning to the Super Bowl, they will play another round.  But be relieved Seattle! At least then Pete Carroll (does anyone else want to start calling him Pistol Pete?) will be able to get back to doing what he does best… finding players he can pay to join his team.

NY Jets over Indianapolis Colts: Peyton Manning is still amazing, but outside of Reggie Wayne his receivers are a rag-tag ensemble, most of whom will likely be out of football in three years. They’ve never had a running game this season and their defense is mediocre at best. Wayne will get caught on Revis Island (worst episode of Lost ever) and Peyton will get frustrated trying to squeeze the ball into tiny windows to covered receivers, regret repeatedly sending Austin Collie out on the concussion route, and then shake his head in disgust after each interception.  Plus, Rex Ryan guaranteed the Jets will make the Super Bowl, and he wouldn’t put his foot in his mouth. He’s the sole of the team. The Jets are a step above the rest. (Insert Rex Ryan foot fetish joke here).

Baltimore over Kansas City: The Chiefs are the second worst team in the playoffs, but they do have a few things going for them. They have a balanced offense; Matt Cassel has turned into a legitimate starter, Dwayne Bowe leads all receivers with 15 TDs, and Jamal Charles is the second leading rusher with 1,467 yards. KC’s defense gives up 20.4 points per game, and its offense scores 22.4 points per game. To contrast, Baltimore gives up 16.9 and scores 22.3 per game. The Ravens are one of the league’s top defenses and should be able to contain the Chiefs. QB Joe Flacco passes to the trifecta of Anquan Boldin, TJ Houshmandzadeh, and Derrick Mason- each of whom has over 600 receptions and 40 TDs in his career- and RB Ray Rice has rushed for over 1,000 yards this season. Baltimore was 12-4 in the regular season, which gets them a home game in most divisions, but the Super Bowl Stealers beat them in tie-breakers. Although they must play in Arrowhead Stadium, one of the toughest road venues, the Ravens shut-down defense and solid offense will move them to the next round.

Green Bay over Eagles: This is one of the most difficult matchups to predict and if you’re a gambler I’d avoid betting on this one or you may tear your hair out and be forced into Gamblers Anonymous. This game pits the Eagles’ high-flying offense, led by speedy quarterback/MVP candidate/dog murderer Michael Vick, against the Packers’ top ranked defense. Vick is surrounded by a core of young weapons, including WRs DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin and RB LeSean McCoy, who sound like members of a Scottish bagpipe band from Oakland. The Packers have the second ranked defense, giving up only 15 points per game and allow only 309 yards per game. They are a quick defense too, led by linebackers A.J. Hawk and Clay Matthews, and cornerback Charles Woodson, and will be more equipped to contain Vick than other defenses in the league. The keys to this game will be containing Vick in the pocket to throw the ball and preventing Jackson from making a big play. On offense, Green Bay has great receivers in Greg Jennings, Donald Driver, and James Jones, but their running game has been suspect. QB Aaron Rodgers is a few weeks returned from his second concussion of the season but the Packers are coming off two crucial victories against the NY Giants and Chicago their final weeks to sneak into the playoffs. Both of these teams are powerful and should be contenders next season, but I think the Packers are peaking and Eagles are coasting. Expect Matthews to put the pressure on Vick and the Pack to emerge victorious.

Looks like I’ve picked each wildcard team to win on the road, possibly an argument for realignment or restructuring the playoffs. But I’ll discuss that another week.

Next week: More NFL playoffs and matching QBs to their television doppelgangers.