Hey everybody! Super Bowl XLV is in the books and the Green Bay Packers are victorious! Hurray!
First off, I have a confession: I decided to record the Super Bowl while I spent the day at Disneyland with Maryann. I know: I write a sports blog and I didn’t watch the biggest sporting event live. Maryann thought that Disneyland would be less crowded because of the game (this was not at all accurate, the park was packed). Regardless, we had a lot of fun and I didn’t regret the decision, even though Splash Mountain was closed for construction (BOO!). So I woke up the following morning, turned on the DVR, and began watching the four and a half hours I had recorded in case of double overtime.
I was originally planning to write a column, but instead I decided to be lazy and just post my play-by-play notes, which break down the commercials, halftime show, and random scenes from around Dallas, as well as the actual game. So enjoy reliving the greatest day of the year (okay, I’ll admit that I went back and did some editing). For reference, the black bullets are football related and the white bullets are miscellaneous.
o I start my DVR and fry some scrambled eggs and hash browns. By the time I’m done cooking, eating, and cleaning, the game has still not started. Thanks FOX.
o Sam Elliott announcing teams=good/“Roethlisberger has a shot at redemption”=bad
o Aaron Rodgers has a “Really?!” look on his face as the Glee chick sings line “from sea to shining sea” for like the tenth time in a row
o Christina Aguilera missing line… flawlessly! Army unflinching, no reaction from stadium or players. Did anyone notice? It’s almost like someone handed her a bad lyrics sheet to study and she practiced skipping over the line, thinking the lyrics were accurate. Weird.
o Head referee Walt Anderson, coin called tails by Pitt, Neon Deion flips: heads, GB defers.
· Antonio Brown returns opening kickoff to the 36. Packers force three-and-out. Solid start.
· Ball goes through Jordy Nelson’s hands. GB punts, can’t pin in five, result is touchback.
o “Hit ‘em with the Kenny G!” aka Audi’s “escape the confines of old luxury.” Do we really need to see rich people in a luxury jail? This seems offensive and irritating to me.
o Doritos: man taunts dog with chip, dog runs through door=dumb. Who couldn’t predict that? Later man licks his co-workers fingers, which I find hilarious. 50%; nice save Doritos.
o Chevy truck=LassyJ “I didn’t even know this town had a volcano!” lol
o A-Rod being fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz, aka JT’s sloppy seconds. I’m now CERTAIN that this is going to be a good game. The only way this would have been more satisfying is if we caught Diaz injecting Alex with steroids, then using a Benjamin to soak up the blood while A-Rod flexes into a mirror. Side Note: For some reason I feel like A-Rod is going to end up getting a lot plastic surgery after he retires. Can anyone dispute this? Doesn’t A-Rod seem like the kind of person who is just gonna go waaaaaayyyyy overboard with cosmetic surgery, like Bruce Jenner or David Hasselhoff? He is already too tan; an awkward facelift can’t be too far behind.
· Jordy Nelson TD catch! One hour into my DVR recording. Once again, thanks a lot FOX. Way to milk that pre-game. GB up 7-0
o KIA optima “one epic ride.” Aztecs beat aliens, the sea god Neptune, and government? Ok, sure. Whatever. Enjoy 2012 when nothing happens, you paranoid idiots.
· Nick Collins gets a pick six with pressure on Big Ben, 24 game seconds/6 real minutes after first TD. GB up 14-0.
o Eminem claymation. “DAMN! That IS pretty good!” Brisk iced tea. Favorite commercial so far. Rumor is Shady got paid a million to do voice over and be animated. “DAMN! That IS a lot!”
· Flozell Adams out with injury! Another Steeler lineman hurt! (he will return to game later) Worth noting that he was released by Dallas after last season, now playing in Dallas SB for Pitt.
· Ben hurts his knee and then scrambles for 18 yards on the next play?! Incredible. I pity the unlucky stripper who had to deal with him after the game.
· Field goal for Pitt with 11:08 left in 2nd, GB up 14-3
o Grab some Buds: I love Tiny Dancer! I pause game and listen to it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRK5vLUYLmg
o Darth Vader: cute little kid, but I’m unimpressed. I had heard this was one of the better commercials and it just seemed over-hyped.
· Jareth Bush interception for Packers with 4:28 remaining in half
· Gregg Jennings TD with 2:24 left. GB up 21-3. Starting to think this game is not going to be the thriller I hoped it would be.
· Antwaan Randle El 37 yard catch and run to GB 40, two min warning/ 3rd&10 Hines Ward makes catch for 14 yard 1st down. Woodson and Shields are now out of game with injuries and GB has to be panicking/ 1st down pass to Ward for 18 yards/ 1st & goal from 8, TD pass to Ward as Ben avoids pressure in pocket. “Ugh… Floater” (in Gabe’s voice). GB up 21-10 with 0:39 left in half
· GB runs out clock-heading to halftime
o While FOX crew discusses the game, background music in stadium is Black Eyed Peas before they get on stage? Weird. Can’t the people at game just wait a few minutes for the actual show? Was there no other music available? Did Jerry Jones not want to pay anyone else for the rights to their songs?
o will.i.am animation=not as good as Eminem
o BEP halftime: mics not working “I Gotta Feeling”(that this is gonna be a lame halftime show)
o “Boom Boom Pow,” Fergie sounds terrible, cool clothing, sounds like they need new autotuner. This turns out to be only song the other two BEP members get to rap on.
o It’s Slash on guitar!!!!!!!! (this is sarcasm)!!!!!!!! Fergie sings TERRIBLE rendition of “Sweet Child of Mine,” Axl Rose is somewhere calling his lawyers.
o “Pump It” will.i.am has a cool metal toupee and I wonder if that’s a viable solution
o “Let’s Get It Started” shouldn’t this, you know, start the set, or at least the second half?
o “OMG” smoke and big “Usher” sign in lights as Usher descends from the sky. Did anyone else notice that you don’t actually see him until he’s on stage untying his hand from the rope?! I’m calling fraud. More likely, a stunt double is lowered down and then they switch on stage. Either that or this is the worst video work of a halftime show since a cameraman stayed on Janet’s nip too long. At least Usher’s dancing is more entertaining than BEP, whose only move appears to be walking up and down the stairs. I did like the jumping split over will.i.am, but how much effort went into making sure his pants didn’t have a “wardrobe malfunction” of their own. “Send me your finest nine-year-old Thai tailor! I don’t care how long his little fingers have to spend stitching! Usher has to dance, damnit!”
o “Where is the Love?” will.i.am changes lyrics to give a shout out to Prez Obama (the only President where it’s appropriate to refer to him as “Prez”). It’s a cool gesture with a noble cause, but the words don’t rhyme, so I can’t give him props. Meanwhile, Fergie literally screams at America, I guess for what she sees as a lack of love.
o “The Time (Dirty Bit)” Autotune working now, and Fergie can actually sing this one. People with boxes on their heads just baffle me.
o “I Gotta Feeling” as finale. Tonight IS gonna be a good night (unless you’re a Steelers fan).
o Expect a bunch of old white rockers next year.
o More commercials. Ok, I get it FOX. Animation Domination and Glee. I think America’s caught onto the whole Simpsons and Glee crazes. You can stop trying so hard.
o Ava Childs aspires to be first female NFL kicker. No mention of the tragic story ten years later when she’s definitely not a kicker in the NFL, college, or even high school.
· GB starts half with Woodson out for rest of game. All of Wisconsin starts to get nervous. And gassy, from too much cheese.
· James Jones drops pass for GB (this becomes a theme)
· Bad face mask call where defender has upper jersey. But it was close and I can see why it was tough for the zebras to call it correctly.
o Beiber and Ozzie commercial=meh. Trying to just have people be funny by acting like themselves rarely works, you need good jokes/punchlines. I think the days of having the word “Beiber” be a joke are behind us. Plus, wasn’t Ozzie popular like ten years ago?
· Mendenhall runs into camera operator and hurts himself which makes my list of top ten moments. Figuratively. No such list actually exists.
· Big Ben is scrambling for 1st down and runs out of bounds a foot short. It’s the Super Bowl! Don’t give up so easily!/Redman is in for injured Mendenhall and rushes inside ten yard line on 3rd & 1/Mendenhall back in runs for TD on first down/ Pitt closes gap, GB up 21-17
o Saw new Pirates of the Caribbean trailer. I actually rode the ride twice that day and, without seeing the movie, I can GUARANTEE the ride is better. Suck it Super Bowl. Actual quote from trailer: “they’ll be dangers along the way. Firstly, mermaids… zombies… and Blackbeard, the pirate all pirates fear”. This gets my vote for dumbest trailer line in 2011 (so far). Side note: the animatronic Johnny Depp is eerily similar to the actual actor, while the other pirates barely even look like humans. Shows how far technology has come. And makes me nervous about what plans Japanese scientists have for realistic human robots.
o Salvatore Guinta is introduced as the only living Medal of Honor recipient since Vietnam. That’s it? No more info about him? How did he win it? This seems like a HUGE deal. After some intense investigative journalism (Wikipedia), I found out that he survived an ambush attack in Afghanistan that had constant gunfire, in which he pulled a few soldiers to safety and chased down retreating Taliban members who were carrying away an injured American. Here’s the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvatore_Guinta
· Now Nelson drops a pass that would have been a 1st, then Rodgers sacked by Harrison, GB punts
o Coke commercial where one ex-soviet soldier draws a crooked line in the sand so another ex-soviet soldier can have a Coke. Heartwarming. Really. Just needs a polar bear.
o Adrien Brody sings for Stella Artois in a piano lounge, which I think qualifies it to take the “champagne of beers” title from Miller High Life.
o Car max commercial is actually pretty damn good (I wrote this during the game, but three days later I can’t remember anything about it, which doesn’t speak well for their long-term impact)
o Simon Cowell is the producer and judge for The X Factor. I knew he couldn’t be off of American television for too long. Side Note: Steven Tyler cracks me up, but apparently he is creepin’ out viewers because last week there was a disclaimer before American Idol basically saying that Tyler would stop hitting on teenage girls. Since the audition rounds are pre-taped, that means the producers have to go through them and edit out any statutory comments. Telling Steven Tyler not to flirt with young ladies is like telling a bird not to fly. For shame America. Second Side Note: How long until Aerosmith capitalizes on Tyler’s exposure and release another album? My bet is before the end of Idol, but not at a time when it has to compete with the winner’s release. So…when they narrow it down to the top four or five contestants. Count on it.
o Jerry Jones hosts a Grand Old Party in his owner’s box with Emmitt Smith, John Madden, President Bush, Laura Bush, Condoleeza Rice, and other Republicans I didn’t recognize. I shiver as the room gets inexplicably colder. Emmitt feels it too.
· Big Ben overthrows Wallace/Clay Matthews knocks down a pass, almost a pick/ 3rd and 13 Big Ben sacked by Zombo/ 52 yard FG missed WIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDEEEEEE left. This a key point in the game. If Rapelisberger isn’t sacked on third down, Pitt is closer and probably goes for it on fourth down, if he’s sacked further back then they punt. Instead, we get to see one of the worst field goal attempts in Super Bowl history.
o Chrysler commercial: “I got a question for you. What does this city know about luxury?” with Eminem. Possibly the best of the day. Witnessing the ruins of Detroit, snow everywhere, “Lose Yourself” starts in, then Eminem pulls up to the theater with the choir and says “We’re the Motor City and this is what we do.” Haunting. I have to consider Eminem as a possible Super Bowl MVP candidate.
· Nelson 18 yard catch to Pitt 40/GB drive ends with a punt
· Steelers punt and Traemon Williams punches a Steeler in head for trying to push him into the ball. Bad move. He doesn’t even shove back, just smacks the guy. No escalation, just retaliation, which is stupid for the Super Bowl.
· Woodson is caught celebrating on the sideline then grasps his arm in pain. I laugh.
· 0:47 left in third quarter: Rodgers passes badly behind receiver on first, has to throw away another pass on 2nd, then 3rd down pass is dropped and McCarthy throws the red flag, the play is reviewed and confirmed as an incompletion and the Packers punt. At this point in the game, it really looks like the Packers are going to lose. They are only up by four, they have lost their second best defender and second best receiver, Rodgers can’t throw a good pass and receivers are dropping balls left and right.
o NFL sitcom commercial combines two of my favorite things: football and television shows.
· Mendenhall fumbles (knocked out by Matthews) Bishop of GB recovers and they start at own 45
· My roommate Chris borrows my laptop and I stop taking notes for a bit. Not sure of details, but Green Bay kicks a field goal to go up 28-17.
o Dogs serving Bud Light is fairly humorous, but ends with cliché dogs playing poker. That joke is based on a hundred-year-old painting: it’s dead, let it rest.
· TD pass to Ward then two-point conversion is an option to Randle El that is good. GB is now only up 28-25 with seven and a half minutes left. This game is getting tense.
o Dumbest-commercial-that-I-liked-anyways Award: Man is driving his car and swerves to avoid hitting a beaver. Later, it’s pouring rain and the same beaver saves driver from going over a cliff where a bridge has been washed away by chopping down a tree, which the man avoids because his tires are able to stop on a dime. But if he can brake fast enough to avoid a falling tree, shouldn’t he be able to stop before plummeting off the edge of the cliff? Still, I liked the way the man and beaver communicated with head nods. Dumb premise, good execution.
o Dr. House churro commercial based on classic “Mean” Joe Green commercial. This one was pretty funny, but mostly I included it to mention that being unemployed has made me really good at solving cases on Law and Order: SVU, CSI, and House. At this rate, I think I can be a detective, pass the bar, and become a medical doctor by next Super Bowl
· Rodgers on third and ten passes 31 yards to Jennings: complete/Starks runs for 14 yards and 1st down to Pitt 30/Nelson drops ANOTHER pass in the end zone, that’s third I’ve counted him miss. TD would have practically locked up the game, but GB settles for another FG to go up 31-25. Pitt needs to score a TD to win the game.
o Finally, Kim Kardashian’s Sketchers Shape-ups commercial and I no longer care who wins the game. I WILL NEVER ERASE MY DVR.
· Pitt in two minute offense: on 4th and 5 from their own 33, pass is an incompletion: game over! Congratulations Green Bay Packers! Supposedly Pitt wanted a flag, proving that they rely on unnecessary penalties to win the Super Bowl like the Yankees rely on cash to win World Series.
· More confetti than I have ever seen in my life.
That’s it for me. Hopefully you enjoyed this recap as much as the actual game, or at least liked reliving the experience. Everyone enjoys a Steelers’ loss.
Now that football season is over, I have more freedom when writing my column. If anyone has ideas, feel free to send them to me. My mind needs some focus from time to time.
Have a good weekend!
Loved this!! My favorite post so far. You are hilarious, and now I don't feel as bad about missing the Super Bowl ;)
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