Earwax

One night, prior to a frat party, I was rushing back and forth between the bathroom and bedroom, doing the typical pre-party preparations- showering, shaving, getting outfitted- basically everything I could to appear presentable. The purpose of this procedure, of course, was to increase the likelihood of picking up a lady. It was a series of provisions I had repeated on multiple occasions, to varying degrees of success, though failure and disappointment were the typical results. Not that striking out was that terrible, especially when it became the norm. Either way, I still got drunk.

Anyways, I’m in front of the mirror shaving my scraggly beard, when I realize I haven’t cleaned my ears in…oh, probably a month. I mean, I’ve stuck my finger in there, cleaned some shit out that way. But not like a legit q-tip swab of the crevice. Which is strange, cause I love that eargasm when you stick in a cotton stick and twist it around. You know what I’m talking about. It feels simply incredible. It’s like scratching an itch, but a thousand times better.

So I’ve had this revelation, and I now have two choices: ask one of the 50 guys living in the frat for a q-tip until someone gives me one, or ignore it. Take thirty seconds to clean my ears, or forget it ever occurred to me. I chose the latter.

As I was selecting a shirt, like twenty minutes later, I again thought, “Maybe I should clean my ears?” But my immediate response was, “No, what is the chance that this is really going to matter? What are the odds that I am going to wish my ears had been cleaned?” Like I mentioned, I was on a bit of a cold streak and in no way did I think that earwax would be a game changer.

By now you can probably tell where this story is going. Not only did I find a drunken dame who wanted to make out with me, but she was also into licking my ears. VERY INTO MY EARS. Not “into” as in “attracted,” but “into” as in “tickling the lobe of my brain.” And the whole time she is doing this, I swear to God, I’m thinking about how absolutely filthy my ears were and how, just hours earlier, I was considering the necessity of cleaning them. I had LITERALLY debated whether or not I would find a girl would want to lick my lobes, and then met the most ear-obsessed human being I have ever encountered in my entire life! And I knew for a fact that they were disgusting. So now I was trying as hard as I could to not laugh my ass off as she is standing on her tiptoes, tongue outstretched, getting way up there, polishing my ears with her tongue. Both of them!

I wish I could say that a mouthful of earwax was enough to end that kissing sesh, but unfortunately I am not that proud of a person. We did end up separating during the night, at which point I realized that I had no clue what she looked like and conceded that she had disappeared into the annals of drunken sorority hook ups. But at least my ears were clean.