Why Music in the 90s Rocked: How Rap Revolutionized Music

Two weeks ago, I discussed the effect that grunge had on reshaping the rock landscape in the early 90s. This week, I’d like to point out the parallels between grunge and gangsta rap.

As I mentioned previously, grunge music was divergent from the mainstream, popular rock music that was being produced in the 80s. The big hair bands were a polished product meant to fill arenas and sell music. When Nirvana burst onto the scene, their style was anti-corporation, underground, and focused on creating the best music they could. Then they released Smells Like Teen Spirit, which became a huge success on the radio and MTV, moved them from playing small clubs to the top of the charts worldwide, and set the stage for other bands with a similar style to become popular.

This chain of events is mirrored almost identically by the rise of gangsta rap and hip hop.

Coming out of the 80s, rap was basically still in its infancy as an art form. It is the child of jazz, poetry, disco, and other arts, but its potential as a highly marketable skill was yet to be fully realized.

In 1979, The Sugarhill Gang released its single “Rapper’s Delight,” which would become the first rap song to become a Top 40 hit. In the 1980s, rap began transforming, trying to find a way to become both commercially viable and maintain its credibility as an art form. Popular groups like Run DMC and Public Enemy began balancing entertainment and politics in their albums, in order to provide both fun, easy-listening jams and socially conscious media. But it wasn’t until NWA released Straight Outta Compton in 1988 that the gangsta rap revolution had begun.

NWA, comprised of future solo stars Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Easy E, and MC Wren, was a rap group from South Central LA, and rather than write sugar-coated lyrics meant to entertain and be play over a disco track, they discussed the grittiness of living in the hood and reflected the escalating malice of urban youth in America. This album gained notoriety due to the FBI’s disapproval, especially of the track “Fuck tha Police.” The album was revolutionary as a popular form of entertainment; many Americans had never been exposed to the obscene language and descriptions of violence, misogyny, and hatred of authority present on Straight Outta Compton.

The parallels between gangsta rap and grunge are eerie; both were crucial to redefining pop music and reestablishing how to make commercial music. I’d say that prior to grunge/gangsta rap, record labels were creating musicians to fill the markets that they wanted to sell to. These two new forms of music showed that any good music was marketable, so that record labels could actually construct the market itself to accommodate the music they were selling, rather than finding acts to fit into the market.

I would also suggest that the two music icons of the era, Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur, shared lives that mirrored each other in significance. Both were viewed as the best in their respective professions, both revolutionized their craft, both became endowed with the title of “The Face of a Generation,” and both would inevitably die to maintain the integrity of their music.

Cobain, as I mentioned last article, committed suicide because he could not handle the level of popularity he had achieved. Faced with the difficult task of creating music that he could be proud of- that reflected Nirvana’s grunge image, appealed to their original fans, and sounded more organic than over-produced- while also fulfilling his obligation to the label to sell albums, Cobain cracked under the pressure and shot himself, thereby never having to sell out his art and integrity in order to make money.

Tupac was never afraid of selling out, often going back-and-forth between making commercial music to be played on the radio and MTV, like “I Get Around,” while simultaneously releasing heart-felt anthems to hood living, like “Dear Momma.” But Pac quickly became embroiled in the infamous East Coast vs. West Coast battle, the most tragic marketing ploy of the generation.

Anyone who believes there was a genuine hatred between the East Coast and West Coast needs to just think about how ridiculous the concept is; how can you hate someone 3,000 miles away that you’ve never met and who has no impact on any aspect of your life? Yet despite this seemingly common sense concept, rappers played off this grudge in order to increase interest in their music, and thereby increase profits. If you don’t believe me, examine how quickly the players involved stopped the whole battle. Snoop Dogg and Puffy couldn’t react fast enough to let the public know that they were stopping the West/East competition. These were millionaires who were not about to get shot by some broke gang-banger over a fake rivalry. Today, rappers still create “beef” with each other in order to make people pay attention to them and sell CDs (50 Cent has made a FORTUNE off of this).

The difference between Tupac and the other rappers who use faux feuds to fuel sale is that Pac truly believed in what he was doing, either making him fearless or foolish. People close to Tupac claim that prior to his murder, he had almost accepted it as inevitable. He sounded brash on tracks; welcoming anyone brave enough to try and test him. Death even took a more prominent role in his songs, as if he foresaw his demise. It is for this reason that rampant rumors have circulated that he faked his own death in order to escape the real murder that was most certainly coming. I’m more dismissive of these rumors and offer a different explanation: Tupac welcomed death so that he could go out as the greatest gangster rapper in history, the only one literally lived the lifestyle he portrayed in his lyrics.

The unwillingness to compromise who they were, even if it meant dying for their art, is what made Cobain and Tupac the greatest, most influential musicians in their genres and of the 1990s.

Next time, I’m going to finish this line of reasoning to show where the future of the music industry is headed. But for now, here are the rap artists and songs that defined the 1990s, with links to the songs.

 My Ultimate 90s Playlist: Rap and Hip-Hop

West Coast

1) Tupac “California Love”: It is worth noting that Tupac recorded so much material that he has more posthumous albums than were released while he was alive, furthering speculations that he is lounging at a Caribbean resort collecting royalty checks.

2) Dr. Dre “Nuthin but a G Thang” and “Forgot about Dre”: Dr. Dre will remain one of the most influential producers, having invented the G-funk genre, but can also be commended for his evaluation of talent, as displayed by the young Snoop Dogg and Eminem on these two songs.

3) Snoop “Ain’t No Fun”: The Doggfather was the first to popularize the slow, mellow rap.

4) Ice Cube “Steady Mobbin’”: It’s hard to believe, but the star of the child’s film “Are We There Yet?” was one of the hardest and most politically charged rappers of the 90s. His album Death Certificate describes gritty situations such as the dangers of STDs, the economic factors that force urban youths to turn to turn to drug dealing, and the hypocrisy of the emergency room not helping gun-shot victims, all while maintaining a sense of irony and comedy. He wrote most of the lyrics for Straight Outta Compton, left NWA after they failed to pay him fairly then criticized them for signing with a Jewish producer, and now stars in movies like Lottery Ticket. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

5)      DJ Quik “Tonight”

6)      Warren G featuring Nate Dogg “Regulators”: RIP Nate.

East Coast

7)      The Notorious B.I.G. “Big Poppa”: Sadly, the late Christopher Wallace only recorded two albums and died a month before the release of his second. His first album, Ready to Die, was an instant classic, one that is good from start to finish, and remains a reminder of what could have been.

8)      Puff Daddy “All About The Benjamins”: Anyone else notice how poorly Diddy hides his samples. Blatant thievery.

9)  Nas “It Ain’t Hard To Tell”: It’s such a shame that hip hop became mainstream, because it left amazing story tellers like Nas behind for artists that could make dance music. This track, off of his unbelievably fantastic debut Illmatic, samples Michael Jackson’s Human Nature and just allows Nas to weave a story for listeners to follow.

10)  Wu Tang Clan “Triumph”

11)  Mobb Deep “Survival of the Fittest”

12)  A Tribe Called Quest “Electric Relaxation”

13)  Mase “Feel So Good”

Budding Superstars

14)  Jay-Z “Can I Get A…”: Jay-Z surpassed Elvis Pressley in 2008 with eleven albums hitting #1 on the Billboard 200 and is the current record holder, but in 1998 he blew up with this track and introduced the world to Ja Rule.

15)  Eminem “My Name Is”: Eminem would absolutely blow up, becoming the highest selling rap artist of all time, but not until his Marshall Mathers LP in 2001.

16)  Hot Boys “I Need A Hot Girl”: Notable not for the group, but for future star Lil’ Wayne.

The Fugees
17) The Fugees “Fu-Gee-La”: This trio had excellent solo careers, along with their hits “Ready or Not” and “Killing Me Softly”

      18)  Lauryn Hill “Doo Wop (That Thing)”: Hill would release her solo album, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill in 1998, which was nominated for ten Grammys and won five, which was outrageous for rap music at the time. The album opposes many of the mysoginstic themes present in rap music and stands as a brilliant example of feminine strength. Along with being a superb rapper, Hill is also a beautiful singer, as exemplified on tracks like “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.”

      19)  Wyclef Jean “Gone Til November”: The Haitain producer provides this acoustic song about a man telling his loved one to wait for him as he temporarily departs from her.

20)  Pras “Ghetto Supastar”: This song sampled the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers hit “Islands in the Sun,” was co-written by the Bee Gees, and hit #15 on the Hot 100.

Other

21)  Bone Thugs-N-Harmony “Tha Crossroads”: I swear they just put a bunch of words into a hat and used the ones they drew to form their name. Also, the word “tha” is now added to my computer’s dictionary.

22)  OutKast “Rosa Parks”: This Atlanta duo would later have the first rap album win the Grammy for Album of the Year in 2004.

23)  Geto Boys “Mind Playing Tricks on Me”

24)  MC Hammer “U Can’t Touch This”

25)  Sir Mix-a-Lot “Baby Got Back”

26)  DMX “One More Road To Cross”

27)  Busta Rhymes “Gimme Some More”: Great video.

28)  Juvenile “Back That Azz Up”

29)  Coolio “Gangsta’s Paradise”

30)  Method Man ft. Mary J. Blige “I’ll Be There for You/You’re All I Need to Get By”

I could probably drag this list on for a lot longer but I decided to wrap it up. If you feel I left someone crucial off my list or chose the wrong song for an artist, let me know. I plan to write the third, and final, part of this 90s music saga in the coming weeks, which will include other genres including pop, country, and miscellaneous, as well as wrap up my thoughts on where I believe the music industry is headed. So look forward to that soon.

The Tiger Girlfriend

My roommate Sharon decided to make a short film with her friend Andrew and I helped with the writing and brainstorming the story/plot. My other housemate, Chris, filmed it and the three of us edited. Anyways, I think it’s really funny so I figured I’d show it here. I wrote the lyrics for the song Andrew plays on guitar, so listen for those.

University of Washington Sports

It’s been a long time coming, but I have written another sports column. After watching the Huskies barely beat Georgia last night, in a game where they honestly played horribly, especially in the first half, I have decided to give my two cents on the state of Husky athletics. 

 Basketball

Venoy Overton

First of all, what the hell was Venoy thinking? In exchange for one night of fun, he has since been accused of two counts of statutory rape and is charged with the gross demeanor of providing minors with alcohol. He could have potentially ruined the Huskies season, his UW legacy, and the rest of his life.

Luckily, Lorenzo Romar decided to go easy on Venoy and just suspended him for the Pac 10 Tourney, so the Huskies were allowed to have his help during the NCAA Tournament. While most Husky fans are relieved to have him back, the reality is that he should have been kicked off the team for the rest of the season, especially in light of the BYU player getting suspended the entire season for having consensual sex with his girlfriend, a violation of BYU’s ethics code. Obviously, Venoy’s charges are far more severe.

I wonder why Romar took such a lenient stance. Did he take pity on his senior, who would be missing the last games of his career? Or did he worry about the team’s chances without the scrappy defender? Whatever Romar’s reasoning was, I think he made a mistake.

But the biggest punishment may end up to be the effect it has on his legacy at UW. Assuming this team does not win the NCAA tourney (which would make every player an instant Husky Legend), Venoy will be very unlikely to be included in the same class as former role-players like Will Conroy, Ryan Applebee, or Brandon Jones. Those guys are all welcome back at UW games, superstars at Hec-Ed, but Venoy will be a statutory rapist who let down his teammates. The one upside is that the charges have been reduced so dramatically, that he won’t have to face any serious jail time. But he will have to live with the consequences of his actions. Time will tell how this affects his legacy.

Who Will Have the Better UW Career: Ross of Gaddy?

Since freshman Terrance Ross took over for the injured Abdul Gaddy, we’ve seen brilliance in him that says he will be an amazing player over his career. His dunks are breath-taking. I saw him throw down a backdoor alley-oop from Isaiah Thomas that not many freshmen could handle. Ross has lit up the scoreboard as well, scoring 46 points in three games in the Pac 10 tourney.

Gaddy, on the other hand, had a fairly awful freshman year and did not live up to the hype coming into his UW career. He looked outmatched and unready to play in college, which could be attributed to his being only 17 years old. He did show glimpses of potential, including some incredible no-look passes. At the start of this year, he had dropped weight and was playing much better, before his injury in January ended his season. But he has never been the scoring threat that Ross has been (or Wilcox, but I see him as more of a Scott Suggs-type three point gunner).

So which of these two will have the better legacy at UW? Ross has more upside and NBA potential because he is taller. But Gaddy is the better ball handler, passer, and team enabler.

Have you seen the Dawgs without Gaddy, Thomas, or Overton? They start panicking like its DEFCON zero as they try to get the ball past mid-court. That is why Thomas played almost the entire game, every game, during the Pac 10 tourney; resting him made the team fall apart. Ross, Wilcox, and Suggs look like they couldn’t stay calm at a day spa without Thomas beside them.

With Venoy graduating and I.T. having only one year left, Gaddy will become the leader of the Huskies. And in two years, Ross will have to step up and become a leader as well. Hopefully, by then UW will have a new, young player to help with the ball handling.

So who will have the better career? It is difficult to say, but Ross has to be the frontrunner, just because Gaddy missed half of his sophomore year, putting him one behind Ross in the long-term. But if Gaddy becomes the player scouts thought he could be, and becomes an I.T.-type leader, his legacy could prevail the greater one.

NCAA Tournament: Round Two vs. North Carolina

If you were to tell me at the start of the season that UW’s basketball team would have to play North Carolina in the second round of the tourney, in Charlotte, I would have given up all hopes right then.

That’s like telling a Tar Heel in the mid-90s that they had to play football against the Huskies in Seattle. Not a position you want to be in.

But this year, the matchup could be favorable. Sure, the Heels are essentially playing a home game, against a team from the opposite side of the country.

The key is Washington’s superior guards. The Tar Heels weakness is their guards, whereas Isaiah Thomas is one of the best in college basketball.

North Carolina’s top scorers are F Harrison Barnes and F Tyler Zeller, who average 15.3 and 15.0 points per game, respectively.

As long as the Huskies come out strong to remove the crowd from the game (which they never do), then they should have a shot for the upset victory.

Husky Football: Draft Prospects

Currently, Mason Foster is expected to be taken somewhere in the second round, which is fantastic for a guy that wasn’t even receiving serious offers from many colleges. He should have a solid pro-career. I can’t make a prediction, because you never know how players will adjust from college. But he has all the tools, and we’ll have to see how that translates to the NFL.

The bigger Husky star is QB Jake Locker, expected to be picked late first round to early second. Had he declared for the draft last year, he would have certainly been a top ten selection, but instead decided to stay for his senior year which allowed him to cement his legacy, earn a degree, and win the Holiday Bowl.

Is anyone else really hoping that the Seattle Seahawks will draft Jake Locker?

Think about it; everything has worked perfectly to allow this scenario to happen. The Hawks have the 26^th pick, which could possibly still make them eligible to draft Locker if no team selects him. Last year, the Hawks had the 6^th pick, and it seemed unlikely that Jake would fall that low had he entered.

Despite Matt Hasselbeck’s strong playoff games, it cannot be ignored that he is approaching the end of his career (or the point where he becomes a veteran backup QB), mostly because of continued injury problems. He is also on the last year of his current contract.

The Hawks traded for Charlie Whitehurst and paid him starter dough in the hopes that he was the quarterback of the future. It is now fairly evident that he is not that good.

So if the Hawks need at quarterback, do they select the hometown kid is they get the chance? I’d say yes. He has such a HUGE upside, being able to throw and run, has shown tremendous leadership, and has experience playing in Seattle weather conditions. At the very least, the positive energy from the fans would be worth the relatively low risk.

Tthe more I think about it, this seems more and more likely. Pete Carroll’s Trojans were beaten by Locker’s Huskies, so the Seahawks coach knows how good he is. And we’re talking about arguably the most popular player in Seattle! Seriously! Top five has to be (in no order) Ichiro, Isaiah Thomas, Locker, Hasselbeck, and Felix Hernandez, and there is no reason to believe Locker isn’t the top of that list.

So, please, Seattle Seahawks management, do the right thing. Keep Jake in the Pacific Northwest.

Why Music in the 90’s Rocked

 I think that when all is said and done, my generation will be defined on the principle of Instant Nostalgia. Because technology is constantly changing, upgrading, and obsoleting previous technologies within a few years, we can basically reminisce on any slightly old concept. This translates into a desire to have the latest and greatest new thing, smart phone, laptop, iPod, whatever. I would say that LA is a microcosm of America, a town that jumps on and off the bandwagon as soon as something “better” comes along. In order to stay current, you must be constantly adapting and changing.

Without the ability to stay satisfied living in the present, people around my age (23) have become the “Nostalgic” generation. We are constantly longing for the better times of the past. But this isn’t like the artificial longing of Republicans, who want to go back to a “simpler time” which included slavery, social inequality, and was not historical in any sense that it is remembered. Ours is more of the desire to relive memories, to stabilize when everything around us is so rapidly changing. We want to believe that things are shifting for the worst and the past holds the answers to our problems.

Not convinced? Here are some examples.

Have you ever flipped on Nickelodeon and realized that kids’ shows in the 90s, like Doug and All That, were way better than the Hannah Montana crap on now? Nostalgia!

Ever wished that Disney still made actual cartoons? Nostalgia!

Ever miss VHS, cassettes, landlines, MySpace, Walkman, newspapers, or dialup? Come on, just a little?

How about this; have you ever browsed through Facebook pictures and thought, “Man that party was amazing! I wish it was 2008 again. Those were the good times.”? NOSTALGIA!

I’ve been witness to conversations where people were reminiscing about events from the previous month as if it was some long-lost oasis in history.

Maybe humans do need stability in our lives, something to grab onto  while the world is on tilt. We are the passengers on the Titanic, holding  onto the rails for our lives while the boat goes vertical. We look  backwards, because the future is so indefinite.

That being said, I honestly do believe that the 90s were a crucial swing year in music history and that the 90s were way better than current music.

The 80’s were a garbage heap of crappy music. Big Hair Bands were the norm, a result of the evolution of rock music into a polished, marketable product. Grunge bands in the 90’s basically said “F*** that!” and decided to make hard, gritty, real music rather than become an item to be sold. Of course the result was that “grunge” became a fashion sense and forced Kurt Cobain to commit suicide.

Basically, the 90’s were a gateway between the polished products of the 80’s and the polished products of the late 00’s. It was a period of musical freedom; when art-form outshined the packaging.

Let me go down my ultimate 90s playlist. I decided that only one song form each band could be included in order to focus on multiple bands. Some of the music is great, while some is just nostalgic for me. This week will be rock, but I plan to write at least two more follow-ups for different genres.

 Seattle Grunge

      1) Nirvana: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” This is considered one of the greatest songs of all time for a reason; it was groundbreaking at the time. As mentioned, rock in the 80’s consisted of bands that were products; big hair, flashy clothing, and heavily addicting music with memorable choruses (“Pour some sugar on meeeeeeeeee!”).

Nirvana wanted a stripped down, rougher sound. They preferred to perform in their everyday clothes, which ironically became a fashion trend itself. In the end, Kurt Cobain realized that he was becoming the exact thing he wanted to avoid, an icon, and killed himself rather than see his music transformed into a polished product used to sell albums and make money.

But prior to that happening, Nirvana released outstanding rock music. There are many I could have chosen, including “Heart-Shaped Box,” “Come as You Are,” or “All Apologies,” (presented here in the haunting MTV Unplugged performance months before his death) but I stuck with the perennial classic that transformed rock music and defined a generation. RIP KC.

2)      Pearl Jam: “Alive” Another band with an enormous amount of hits. Originally considered a Nirvana rip-off and a way to mainstream grunge, Kurt Cobain himself later gave them his consent. Their most popular hit is Jeremy, which is a good song but not my favorite. It is worth noting that Jeremy was the band’s final music video, choosing to reject the MTV culture that forced artists to associate images with their songs. They also got into a dispute with Ticketmaster for taking a cut of the price of tickets, thereby raising prices for fans. They boycotted Ticketmaster sponsored venues, instead limiting performances to smaller stages, which ultimately hurt their revenue but maintained a loyalty to their fans and lead to the creation of the Coachella Festival in California. They continue to release music, but rather than being “grunge” it is probably considered “adult contemporary,” meaning they will have continued longevity as their fans age.

3)      Soundgarden: “Fell on Black Days” I know “Black Hole Sun” is a fantastically grim song and the band’s greatest hit, but I’m currently diggin’ this one. So sue me (a quintessential 90s expression). Being the third or fourth best Seattle rock group is difficult, but front man Chris Cornell’s raspy vocals are probably stronger than Cobain’s and Vedder’s. The group recently reunited and released a greatest hits CD.

4)      Alice in Chains: “Rooster” More metal sounding than the previous bands, Alice was nonetheless influential to the Seattle area and music in general. RIP Layne Staley.

5)      Presidents of the United States of America: “Lump” Okay so these guys aren’t grunge and are actually sound fairly pop-y, but they were still pretty good. And they made a song called “Peaches” with the lyrics “Millions of peaches, peaches for me. Millions of peaches, peaches for free.” And it was nominated for a Grammy.

Alternative Rock

      6) Smashing Pumpkins: “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” This song starts so strongly. Man, I love the Pumpkins. And I love that they are named after a verb. I also love “Tonight, Tonight,” “Cherub Rock,” and “Today.” While they wouldn’t want to categorize themselves as grunge, they do have that stripped down sound with a lead singer who doesn’t have the best voice (although Billy Corgan’s voice is unique) and they obviously benefitted from grunge’s popularity. It is also worth noting that Pumpkins embraced the music video as an art form, rather than as a means to sell albums.

7)      Rage Against the Machine “Killing in the Name” The original rap rock group, this LA-based band actually preceded the grunge movement but is notable for being revolutionary for blending the two genres. Sure, the Beastie Boys were around first, but Rage is hardcore rock with a passionate anti-establishment message. Eventually, the world would be exposed to the watered-down version called Limp Bizkit.

8)      Red Hot Chili Peppers “Under the Bridge” Some of the best songs; they were the original alt rock superstars.

9)      Sublime “April 29, 1992 (Miami)” This anthem for the Rodney King riots was a middle finger to The Man, and is an extensive retelling of opportunistic looting.

Has another band ever blended reggae and punk rock as successfully? You may have to ask UB40, but I say no. Bradley Nowel, Sublime’s lead singer, died of a heroin overdose in ’96. Did this decade have a vendetta against all our best musicians?! And how are the Rolling Stones still alive?!

10)  Third Eye Blind “Jumper” Did anyone else realize how much these guys talked about really hard drugs? I’ve never heard so many Crystal Meth songs.

11)  Matchbox Twenty “Push” They had a solid run, then Rob Thomas went solo.

12)  Counting Crows: “Mr. Jones” Good group, not my favorite.

13)  Foo Fighters “Everlong” One of my favorite rock songs of all time. By the way, Dave Grohl was the drummer for Nirvana before Cobain’s death, and afterwards starts Foo Fighters as lead singer/lead guitarist. Ridiculous, right? Then he decides to play drums again for Queens of the Stone Age as a side project. That is versatility.

14)  Nine Inch Nails “Closer” Creepy song, creepier video.

15)  Marilyn Manson “The Dope Show” Worth noting that he was played on MTV and was popular on TRL. Just can’t see mainstream media ever letting someone like him become a national icon today. And Columbine was not his fault- at all.

16)  Metallica “Enter Sandman” Unfortunately, this metal hit will forever be associated with New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera, but pretty kick-ass anyways.

Pop Punk

    17)  Green Day “Brain Stew” Who predicted that twenty years later these punk rockers would still be superstars, with consistent album sales and a Broadway musical.

    18)  The Offspring “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” This is the anthem for people dealing with lazy boyfriends and girlfriends. The Offspring still release relatively successful albums, outliving the careers of most punk groups.

    19)  Blink 182 “All the Small Things” These guys made hilarious music videos.

Rap Rock

20)  Korn “Freak on a Leash” This rap rock metal band had mainstream success, reaching number one on the Billboard 200. This is one of the 5 greatest music videos of all time.

21)  Kid Rock “Cowboy” Kid Rock has had the craziest career. He started as a rapper, but his stage name had “Rock” in it so he started embracing that aspect of his persona, then out of leftfield he becomes a country star? Huh? It is also worth noting that at this point there were two white rappers from Detroit and they actually recorded a track together for Kid Rock’s Devil Without a Cause.

There it is: my rock list. I may have left somebody off, either accidently or because I planned to include them in a future column. But let me know if I forgot someone you think is important.

The one thing I did learn from this project is that almost all the good rock music was coming from Washington or California. Where the hell is Oregon? This is more evidence that Oregon is the black sheep of the west coast; the son who lives in his parent’s basement while his siblings have great careers; the third Olsen daughter.

If I had it my way, we would divide California in half, and NorCal could absorb Southern Oregon and Washington would take Northern Oregon (including Portland, which would allow Washington to give Spokane and Pullman to Idaho). This would maintain a three state west coast, and Oregon would be gone. Perfect!

Next week, I get back to the basics with a sports column about University of Washington athletics, including: Jake Locker in the NFL, Venoy Overton, and the NCAA tourney.

The Magic Blender

I wrote this short story about a year ago while thinking about Aesop's Fables and Mother Goose nursery rhymes. Today, they are just simple stories we tell our children (or don't tell them, who knows what parents do now that they can let the Wii and Nickelodeon be the teachers), but when they were written they were very relevant and important to teaching moral lessons. I wanted to write a modern tall-tale, something light and folksy, and this is what came out of that process. 

The Magic Blender 

One day, Phil went to the flea market looking for some sort of valuable, undiscovered treasure. Phil considered himself a normal guy, a true American, with a good job at the bank, a few close friends and condo where he lived alone. As he navigated through the tables, covered with little trinkets, clothing, and other various junk, he happened upon the booth of a frail, old, Pakistani man.  Among the common riff-raff, he spotted a blender. There was nothing special about it, but Phil loved to mix himself a drink and figured he could save money on the protein smoothies he usually bought after his workouts, so he inquired if the blender worked.

            “Oh it works,” the vendor said, starring Phil down, “perhaps a little too well. Be careful! You had better know your limit, if you plan to purchase.”

            Phil did not understand, but offered the strange man five dollars and took it home.

            The next morning, he woke up early to make a fruit smoothie before work. He filled it full of frozen and fresh fruits, milk, and juice then turned the dial to puree.  The blender worked fabulously. In only a few minutes, Phil had a fantastic, chilled beverage for breakfast. He unattached the cylinder from the base and poured the purple contents into a cup. Raising the glass to his lips, he inhaled the fresh scent of blackberries and bananas and took a sip. Immediately he detected something odd. He sipped again. There was definitely a hint of a strange, but recognizable, flavor. He took a large gulp and, with his eyes popping out, realized there was vodka in his smoothie.

            Not quite sure how that had happened, Phil emptied the concoction down the drain. He was running late for work, so he simply brushed the smell out of his mouth and left, figuring he would solve the puzzle when he returned home.

            That night Phil arrived anxious to investigate the mystery. He meticulously scrubbed the blender with soap and water, which he admittedly should have done in the first place. Then he got out the exact same ingredients to see if they had fermented or been tampered with, maybe as a prank by his friends, but everything appeared legit. So he blended them up again and, sure enough, he tasted vodka. Perplexed, he pulled some non-alcoholic margarita mix from his cupboard, grabbed some ice and dumped them into the appliance. He watched the spinning blades crush the cubes of ice and combine the yellow liquid with the icy fragments. He stopped the blender and swallowed the innocuous drink, discovering that it somehow contained tequila.

            Repeatedly he tested the machine, unable to understand its powers. He blended strawberries, lime juice, sugar and ice for a virgin daiquiri, but it was filled with rum. Pineapple juice plus coconut milk made a delicious Piña Colada.  Mint leaves minced with sugar, ice, and lime juice created a stiff Mojito. Even drinks that normally didn’t require blending yielded alcoholic results, like tonic water and lime, which produced an excellent gin and tonic. Mixture after mixture, the blender added liquor.

After staying up all night experimenting, while getting drunk in the process, Phil slept through his alarm and had to call in sick to work. He had a massive hangover, which he conveniently cured by blending V8 with a little Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, ground pepper and squeezed lemon for a tasty Bloody Mary that gently relieved his headache.

Of course Phil was thrilled by his new discovery and invited all his friends over for drinks that night. Obviously none of them believed he had a magic blender, but he shocked them all when they arrived, producing an intoxicating drink without using liquor. He even placed bets with each of them, proudly taking their money as they stood gape-jawed and baffled.

That whole week he partied with his friends, getting plastered every night and even some days. People would bring over different things to blend and Phil would happily provide them with a stiff drink. 

All was going well until his boss, tired of Phil’s repeated absences and unprofessional behavior when he did show up, told Phil the bank would have to let him go. Broke and jobless, Phil had no idea how to make the payments on his condo, but one friend had a brilliant suggestion: Phil should open up a bar with the magic blender.

It was so obvious. Without needing to buy any alcohol, Phil could afford to have lower prices than his competition. He set about making all the arrangements; he sold his condo and used the earnings to lease a venue, he renovated and redecorated, filed the necessary paperwork to get the permits, and opened in a month. His buddies even volunteered to work for free, provided they receive complimentary drinks.

Needless to say, the whole ordeal was a huge success. People so appreciated not having to pay for overpriced, watered-down drinks that they didn’t even mind having to wait a little longer for them to be prepared. Curious about why the servers only seemed to take one order at a time and why no liquor was visible except for beer, the patrons began to inquire into the bizarre nature of the pub. It didn’t take long for Phil’s drunken friends to spill the secret, prompting all in the area to visit the bar and see for themselves the famous Magic Blender.

Each night was a raging party at the bar, making it the most popular spot in town. Phil imbibed plentiful amounts of alcohol, befriended tons of regulars, met many beautiful women, and made more money than he could spend. His life was superb, like celebrating Mardi Gras every day.

But unbeknownst to Phil, trouble was brewing with the bartenders all over town, who were jealous of the Magic Blender and Phil’s success. They were always in competition with one another, but with standard charges reflecting equal costs, they considered it to be fair and civil. Phil’s lack of ethical prices left them furious. They met one night, while all the rest of the townspeople were at Phil’s pub, and reviewed their situation. They agreed that they needed to remove the magic blender, but could not decide who should get it. Each man pled his case and discussed the possibility of sharing the device but when no arrangement could be settled upon, they knew it had to be destroyed.

Later that night, almost into the next morning, after all the booze hounds had passed out, the bartenders crept into the much hated bar. They found bodies sleeping in every corner of the pub, lying on tables and on the floor, alone and in groups, but silent save the snores like chain saws.

Phil snoozed behind his bar, under the counter, curled in a ball. He didn’t even stir from his unconscious state as the men smashed the magic blender to pieces then crushed the pieces to smithereens. They also stole the cash from his register and safe, figuring it was fair retribution for him stealing their customers. They divided the money and snuck out as easily as they had entered.

Groggy and haggard, Phil awoke in desperate need of a mimosa. Unfortunately, he found the remains of his blender scattered on the ground. The till on his register was open, as was the door on the vault. He had been robbed; his livelihood demolished.

Phil was simply confounded as to how a thief could swindle him in a crowded bar without anyone noticing, but waking his friends took quite the effort and he realized they were even more gone than he was. None of the people in the building had any clue what had happened. Phil went around town, asking the proprietors of other bars if they had been targeted, but they all said they had not, seeming peculiarly smug about it.

With no blender and no money, Phil had no choice but to shut down his bar. The customers were upset because they enjoyed the atmosphere and prices at Phil’s place and begrudgingly returned to the other taverns to get their buzz.

Disheartened and broke again, Phil returned to the flea market months later to pay the old Pakistani vendor a visit. When he reached his booth, Phil told him how the blender ruined his life. He was jobless, poor, lived in a boarded-up bar, and had developed an addiction to alcohol.

“I tried to warn you, young man,” he replied. “I told you of the power. But perhaps I have just the thing for you, my friend.” The feeble man lifted something from the floor behind his table. It was a plain drip coffee pot, nothing distinguishing about it. “This will make the strongest, best-tasting coffee you will ever drink. Only five dollars.”

In no time at all, Phil’s bar was Phil’s Café, with the owner rushing from table to table, scrambling to serving his inexpensive cups of coffee to impatient, jittery customers.